Thursday, February 9, 2017

Late night thoughts...adjusting to a spouse with anxiety..

Spenser is in bed. He had 6 or 7 panic attacks
today. Poor guy, they're very scary and uncomfortable.
I hope he has no more tonight but I don't know.

 Washing dishes I was thinking of my
 Mom's book on the little bookshelf in
their bedroom as a kid, Willing to Follow
but Forced to Lead. I asked Mom about it
and she told when I was a kid...I just 
remember the title.

I've known Spenser much longer than we've
been married, and it's been an adjustment to
seeing him change.

He was a young go getter just hopping on
the plane to USA to come get me. He could of
gotten deported but he came anyway, and
we knew we loved each other. 

Spenser was
always the leader. While I've always been a 
very vocal and opinionated person, Spenser
took the lead. He's the husband and he made
the decisions.

The past couple of years we've kind of 
switched that role. I started taking on things
as I could (given I have no car and language
barrier). I ask what he wants to do and when we
go out, we base our decision on that, for 
what he feels up to. Other than that, I do
most decisions on a day to day basis.

It's been hard adjusting to the change. I'm
kind of doing everything these days (finances,
cooking/cleaning/etc). Spenser was never big
in the housework helping...what he did I miss lol!

We were talking that it's a constant
readjustment and it's true. I almost fell
asleep in the middle of our chat, I'm just so tired. 

Life has made me tired. I don't feel 32. The
rape counselor said that I work day and night
(Spenser has night anxiety and wakes me up)
and that's true. Combined with my health

I feel 100 years old. It sucks watching
Spenser get panic attacks, his face reddens and
he gets this panicked look on his face. I try to
comfort him and there's nothing I can do. I
am just helpless and it sucks.

We were having trouble opening the door to
get back into Forum parking in Helsinki. A lady
helped us. Spenser got a panic attack waiting for
the elevator to open. She freaked and closed the door
as fast as she could. :/ It just looks scary, it isn't. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm ready for life to
be ending in some big KABHAM!

I don't know what other 32 year olds
are planning or what they're doing. It's just
day to day and see what symptoms and 
changes will pop up next. 

Is there a new chapter coming? I don't know.

It is tiring for sure. I love Spenser
though, and it's worth it.

I love this movie! Lol 

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